I have observed numerous people who seem to have been gifted with natural patience. It comes as easy to them as breathing. But for me, its much more complicated. I hate the purgatory of not knowing. That time where you can do nothing but wait. You realize you have no control over your situation anyway, so all you can do is...wait.
In these moments of waiting, I tend to torture myself with what if's and negativity. Honestly, I try so hard each day to push myself to be as positive as I possibly can be, but even on my best days, I'm a bit too much of a realist for my own good.
A long time ago, I prayed that God would give me patience. Since I prayed that prayer, I have been faced with various different opportunities to strengthen my 'patience' and in turn, my faith. The biggest one for me was trying to get pregnant with AM. It has taken other people much longer than it took us, but ever month that fell off the calendar brought more tears and desperation with it. Finally, we conceived after two and a half years. Well, AM is now approaching being 2 1/2 and we have been trying for another one since January...obviously no luck. Up until this point, I've been pretty okay. This past week, however, has been unusually hard as I haven't been able to escape all the baby momma's every where.
Family, friends, co-workers...everyone is getting pregnant...except me. This is such a heart wrenching experience. I wish it could come as easy for me as it does others. I'm just praying for God's strength to help me stay positive and to continue to give me peace until the time that His ultimate plan is revealed; whether that be me getting pregnant or me realizing that I won't have any more.
At the end of the day, I just thank God for the wonderful miracle He gave me in AM and if I'm lucky enough to have more, I'll be blessed. And if not...I'll still be blessed. I'm just having a down day about it today and hate this depressy feeling. I'll get over it, I always do...it's just a funk.
That's all for now.