A Mildewed Canvas

Art by Katerina Mihnuk (Ranizza)

"The eye can see what we have in common or focus on what keeps us apart.  And the heart can feel what joins us with everything or replay its many cuts.  And the tongue can praise the wind or warn against the storm, can praise the sea or dread the flood.  It's not that there are no differences - the world is made of infinite variety - rather it is the seizing of differences, the fearing of differences, that keeps us from feeling grace."  - Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

It amazes me how much our minds, as great and mystical as they can be, are the most profound instruments of torture if left unattended.  So often my mind has been the source of my greatest turmoils.  It's not exclusively circumstance or the behaviors of others, but the complications of life that cut me the deepest are edged with the serrated blade of my own cognitive demons.

How do you know when your mind is in a healthy state of awareness and discernment as opposed to when it is being controlled by spiritual forces of wickedness?  Take Mary Magdalene for example.  Scripture tells us that Jesus cast out seven demons from her.  I wonder what those seven demons were.  There's no way of knowing for sure, this side of life, but could she have been more like me than I originally thought?  I must confess, that over the last six months, I've found myself more and more drawn to her.  It's as if we have a shared back story and narrative.  It's as if I've known her all along and am just now rediscovering her.  At times, its even as if she is me and I her.  How similar our trials.  So it isn't that far of a stretch for me to imagine that maybe her demons where less of the flesh and more of the mind.

Quite recently, a close friend of mine pushed me to the brink of myself.  Life's circumstances are heart-wrenching these days and my mind has been in overdrive with worry, anxiety, fear, doubt, insecurity and lack of self-confidence.  This friend began to come at me, strongly, and unceasingly.  I felt berated and under extreme attack.  My heart shattered, my breathing quickened, my tears burned.  I couldn't understand how someone I cared for so deeply could be so mean and relentless with personal attacks and vicious scrutiny.  I laid on the floor in a mound of melodramatic matter and lost my mind.  After some very difficult moments, my friend was able to explain to me that they were not coming after me, but after what they claimed to be the spiritual forces waging war in my mind.  The ones that seek to destroy me and haunt me with my past, with my arsenal of baggage, with my brokenness.  My friend said they were calling out these voices to let me go and give me peace.  I was stunned, a bit freaked out and extremely emotionally spent.  What in the world was going on?

I'm not sure how to articulate my perspective on spiritual forces of wickedness.  Up until this point, I had one perspective.  Now it seems I've developed a cracked window opened slightly for exploration.  When I said I lost my mind, I meant it.  But differently.  I often terrorize myself with "what-ifs" and doubt.  I'm my own worst enemy and by far my most malicious critique.  I've done more harm to myself over the years because of my inability to love myself than anyone else could ever think of.  Joyce Meyer's refers to this as the Battlefield of the Mind.  Indeed...it can be a blood bath.  But on the floor, feeling completely alone and rung out, I lost my mind.  There was a sense of peace.  I lost the mind, even if just in that moment, that was controlled not by the grace and love of God, but by the fires of something that seeks to kill.  It's an interesting fact of spirituality.  The closer you get to center, the closer you get to God, the hotter the desert.  It's spiritual warfare.  But I can choose to surrender to God and the peace to be found in those arms or I can choose to "dance with the devil in the pale moon light."  My soul can choose to focus on what is whole, what is of God, what is real...or it can perish beneath the weight of a thousand what-if's.  It's the fearing not the seizing that keeps us from feeling peace and grace.

Mind over matter?  Maybe if we lost our minds, gained our souls and relied on God, we could experience the joy of the endless possibilities that lay within the artists brush.  What we can be is not yet seen but in the eye of the one who is creating us.  Don't let your mind mildew the canvass.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Photo by Alex (Click to view)

Life is good.  Even when its tough, there is still good, if we're brave enough to look for it.  I believe life's goodness comes from our Creator whose presence is everywhere and in all things, including you and me.  The love and grace of God surrounds us.  Can you feel it?

As I have welcomed spring and the changing of seasons, I've noticed God's presence surrounding me.  There are so many things that are changing these days.  I used to be a girl who loathed change and there are times when I still dread it.  Change is least welcome when we're happy and when we're comfortable.  This has certainly been the case for me.  Loosing someone you love is never wanted change.  Leaving or moving away from those you hold dear is also uncomfortable change.  Moments of starting over can be challenging change.  But, there are other types of change.  Like how your life changes when you fall in love.  How everything you once knew is suddenly different with the presence of a child.  Maybe its trusting in God and taking a leap of faith you didn't think you had the courage to take, just to find out there was an ocean of blessings on the other side.  Change can be good.

I spent some time in my garden this weekend.  I pruned back my rose and hydrangea bushes, set out a new hanging basked, potted new plants along my entry way and planted beautiful daisy's and petunias in the flower boxes around my trees.  How beautiful it is to sit inside of change.  Not long ago, the pots were empty and the bushes covered with snow.  The grass was brown and the trees bare.  But now the beauty of spring has blossomed and oh what a miraculous change.

Though my infertility often makes me feel like the cold brown branches of a winter tree, lifeless and forgotten, I know spring is right around the corner.  Hope is more than a word inscribed on a ring I wear every day, its the reason we keep fighting.  "Faith in things hoped for."  I have faith in things hoped for.  Yet, in the midst of that wintery struggle, there is a garden blooming.  I have received my first appointment.  Starting June 13th, I will be an associate pastor at a growing and exciting new church here in OK.  What a blessing this is for me and my family.  New life is blooming for us.  Things are changing and we're embracing the changes.  We can't wait to be a part of this church's life and to help nurture and grow the Kingdom of Heaven.

So as I go about my day singing "ch-ch-ch-ch-changes", I hope you'll think about your life and how God might be making changes and moving things around in order to help your garden bloom.  Sometimes there has to be a little pruning, but in the end, what happens is life giving.  Trust in God and embrace that with change comes great opportunity.  How might you grow closer to God and show God to others through the changing of seasons in your life?

Love-in-Christ

Thoughts

Do you ever just stare at your post screen and wonder what it is exactly you should write?  I do.  Maybe you've noticed the lack of frequent posts lately, well, they are the result of this empty staring.  I seem to have so much on my mind and yet I'm not sure how any of it is really of any value to anyone else.  I suppose it could be, but just the same, I feel so distant from blogging.  For me, its become a combination of frustration with platform, too much to say and an uncertainty of what of it should actually be said, creativity, and frankly, a very busy personal schedule.  Needless-to-say, I have missed blogging and I hope to give myself the time and voice to get back into it.

If you've left me comments in the past month or so and I haven't responded, I'm deeply sorry.  I've been in my own head a bit, trying to keep things together and in the process, keep myself focused.  March marked the first month back to fertility treatments.  If you've ever experienced the carnival ride that is treating infertility, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Just exhausting.  As tiring as it is, I keep hoping that something wonderful will come of it soon and it will all be worth it.  I know God is present in this mess with me.  We started shots for the first time this month.  I haven't done those before, so that was a new experience, not bad, just new.  I should know by the middle of this week if I'm pregnant or not.  Here's to hoping.

In the meantime, I'm taking this week to reorganize, relax and reflect.  It's my spring break, if you can call it that, and I'm committed to making it valuable.  I hope to work on our financial budget, our calendars, a few upcoming assignments, spend time on my blog, listen to music, read some Jane Austen, watch a few films I've been wanting to see and just taking it easy.  Here's hoping I can execute my plan.  I also hope to take Ham to the zoo this week...a little surprise from mom.  I think sometimes I want so bad to be supermom/superwife/superwoman, that I put too much stress on myself.  Ever do that?  Ugh.  I wonder if I'll ever learn to go easy on myself.  Here's to hoping.

Okay...so...I'm just journaling today, but I'll be back tomorrow, or later, with something of substance.  Thanks all for reading and I promise to get better at responding to comments.  Wishing you all much joy in your coming week.

I'm Having An Affair ...

...and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Although I will always love you, my dear sweet fabulous scrumptious COFFEE, I have found another to tantalize my lonely coffee free days.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "Hello Lover!"

That's right...I've taken a lover and I call my lover Venti Iced Green Tea.  How do I like my lover...sweetened and often.

Seriously friends, I have found a fabulous replacement for my coffee addiction.  Yes...this still comes from a coffee house where I can can sniff my way to coffee nirvana, but, it's not coffee.  It's mega healthy for me and is a great alternative to my creamer induced coffee mug.  Yet I must confess, I rendezvous with coffee every Sunday morning and oh the bliss.

Can I tell you how beautiful today is here in Okie-ville?  The temp is warm, the sun glowing, the iced green tea is in my hand and I'm dreaming of a very green and blossoming spring.  I've been spiritually drinking up the word, prayer and meditation every morning and have been soaking up the Lenten season.  I feel so blessed by the time I have spent in the word and walking the stations of the cross.  I feel rejuvenated.  My spirit feels as if it's being properly tilled for spring planting.

How is life in your world?  How is Lent?  Have you felt the presence of God lately?

Sending love to all.  Happy Thursday!

Don't Harsh My Mellow

The Nibble.com

You know how there are just some days that challenge you and leave you feeling completely beat up?  I have had one of those days.  Maybe my sensitivty is heightened because I've been separated from my family for three weeks.  Maybe my exhaustion is compounded by not only the mental scholastic labor I've been doing but the tremendous spiritual work I've been tending to.  Maybe...maybe today...as my friend says...I was the bug and someone else, something else, was the windshield.

I can't go into today's drama much because of confidentiality and frankly political reasons, but, I'm just feeling a little crossed eyed.  I wonder why it seems so difficult sometimes for people to do the right thing, to extend a hand of compassion and understanding, to give grace and not 'hateful face'.  Really, why can't we all just get along?

A little understanding, a generous dash of compassion and a heap of faith can make an enormous difference in the demeanor of the world. In other words...don't harsh my mellow!

While others are making lemonade out of lemons, I'm gonna take my "harshed mellow" and make smores!!!!

 

A "Fritz" of Fun!

I spent today milling around Kansas City with my Hubs and my Ham. We had a wonderful suggestion to go to a little KC classic dive called "Fritz's Railroad Restaurant". Since Ham loves trains, we decided we'd go and check it out. The food was a bit yummy, yet very greasy and "dive"-ish. The bill was a little fluffy...but, the company was priceless and the atmosphere was super fun for a train lovin' boy and his parents.

As we walked in, they gave Ham his own little train hat.

Making funny faces at my husband.

My Boys

You ordered your food at the table with the phone.

Beside the table was an enclosed train track where a train goes around the restaurant.

This is the track the train takes to bring your food to the table.

Drinks are hand delivered...can you just imagine if they didn't?

 

The train has a tray below the tracks that carry a container of food.

A metal arm slaps down over the table the food belongs to which slides the container on to the platform below which lowers slowly to the table.

Our food being delivered.

Ham eating his grilled cheese and fries.  He approved.

 Ham, chocolate shake and a fun kid-sized train car to hang out in.

 

We had a wonderful time and a wonderful day together.

I love my family.

Thank you God for blessing me with the opportunity to share my life with these two beautiful creations of yours.

"Cheer"y Cheesecake

Looks decadently delicious...doesn't it?

Oh yeah, it soooo was!

  What else is delicious?  The sweet company of friends who CHEER you up.

  For those of you who don't know, I've been in Kansas City for almost two weeks now with one more left to go.  I'm taking some classes for my Masters of Divinity work, a.k.a seminary.  My seminary is great and the experiences I've had the opportunity to partake in have been wonderful and rewarding.  However, leaving my family for these intensive course's isn't exactly my "piece of cake".

  When I commit to something, I commit with gusto.  I'm passionate about it, often intense and devoted to making the best of the opportunity.  So, when I made the choice to attend seminary I knew that I would need to go to KC for intensive courses twice a year.  It's really not that bad of a situation as I have a great time getting to know classmates here and making lasting friendships.  Plus, there are wonderful places to go around here and I can never get enough of the Jerusalem Cafe...seriously...the hummus and lentil soup is out of this world. 

  BUT...I'm a family gal and I do love my boys, so being away from home for extended periods of time without my family is difficult to say the least.  Plus, the walls of this here hotel room begin to suffocate a person after awhile and there are only so many day time TV shows one can swallow without bugging.  The last day or two, I've just been kinda down in the dumps...you know, a little homesick.  Well, today, a friend, classmate and colleague (one in the same) took me out.  She purposed the idea to go somewhere and walk around and not go directly back to the hotel like we usually do.  Right on!  I was in.  We had a great time.  There was lunch, which included great conversation about some new literature I can't wait to read.  Apparently my friend is a big reader as am I and she has tuned me in to a new-to-me mystery series (fiction).   Perfectly enough, there was a big Barnes and Noble right down the street.  We walked down the Plaza and stepped foot into book lovers bliss and the smell of paperbacks whisked me away to happy town.  Something about the smell of books always cheers me up.  Is that weird?

  After books, we walked around Pottery Barn which is dangerous because I love it and can't afford it.  After some more walking we discovered, wait for it...the Cheesecake Factory.  Yum, yum, yum.  I very rarely allow myself a piece of cake.  But today, today was for cake and with the cake came coffee and with the afternoon out came a refreshed me.

  It's amazing how one person's acts of love and kindness can make a tremendous difference, even in ways they cannot possibly know, in the lives of those they care for.  It wasn't much, but the TLC of a friend became so much.  I'm just grateful for the sweet friends, the sweet moments...the cherry topped moments of our cheesecake life.

  Who put the cherries on your life today?

 

Missing My Boys

This is my Ham and I.

I miss him.

God has called me into ministry.

I travel to KC in January and in the summer to take seminary classes.

I miss him.

I faced infertility for two and a half years before getting pregnant.

We've been trying for #2 for three years now...no luck...I'm frustrated and hurting.

Ham gives me hope and love.

I miss him.

I've been hugged once since leaving home almost two weeks ago.

Time to think is great but the quiet and the walls are getting to me.

There is no one to play with or read to.

I miss him.

I have to be honest...I'm really struggling being away.

I'm thinking a lot, which isn't bad, except that I'm thinking about things.

:-)

I love my son.  I love my husband.

I miss them.

I need to reconnect with my boys.

They are coming to see me tomorrow.

I can't wait not to miss them.

I'm REALLY Mad!

I didn't intend on going here but after visiting my FB I'm furious, steaming, enraged and I MUST get it out.

First of all, Pat Robertson DOES NOT represent all people on the conservative 'right'.  Robertson's claims about the Haitians making a deal with the devil and all other nonsense is outright ludicrous.  In no way do I believe that the Haitians 'deserved' the horrors of this earthquake.  Most well-balanced individuals will acknowledge that 99% of people with a soul (note: we ALL have souls) also do not believe this.  I was upset, like others, with Robertson's comments, but I blew him off as having lost his ever loving mind and I went on to other things.

Then, Keith Olbermann, who has the journalistic ethics of a hound tick, came on with this statement.



SERIOUSLY!!!!!  Olbermann - "empty souls".  Really sir, would you like to play the part of the pot or the kettle?

I do not endorse the statements by Robertson or by Limbaugh (though I do think Obama should have come out sooner than he did on the terrorist attack - yet that has nothing to do with Haiti).  I do NOT endorse the idea that people are soul-less, that they have no purpose.  The Haitians are children of God and whether we like it or not, so are Robertson, Limbaugh and Olbermann.  These men are all perpetuating a vicious cycle of hatred and hate mongering and I'm oppossed to all of it.  It astonishes and deeply bothers me that I have seen more 'posts' on FB and Twitter over the last 24 hours regarding Robertson and Limbaugh than I have about the peril of the Haitians since the earthquake.  It's as if this country is addicted to "the fight".  Where has the insatiable desire for domination of the "other" come from?  Patriarchy, imperialism, socialism, communism, captialism...original sin?

My heart has been hurting deeply the last several days for the people of Haiti and if I had the resources, I would be there yesterday doing what I could.  Why can't our media hop in line with the real issues, and for those outlets that are, stay there, rather than focusing airtime on this other JUNK?

I love this country.  I love the men and women who serve it and fight to protect it.  I'm embarassed by those who deem it necessary to tear it apart, to divide it with partisan politics even in the face of human tragedy.  I'm saddened to see this country that I love so dearly become a petri dish of political bacteria, domination of the "other", fear and hate mongering...among other things.

Our God loves each and every one of us.  I don't care what Robertson, Limbaugh or Olbermann says...I care what God has to say.  I'm a follower of Christ and my faith is fueled on living a life that can closely imitate Christ...I strive for this daily even though I greatly fall short.  Christ, my savior, your savior, would cry with the Haitians, is crying with Haitians.  Let us, friends, focus not on the limited scope of some people's personal agendas, but rather on the infinite power and steadfast love of God.

I am asking God to forgive me for my anger towards others on this issue and that I might focus on the real need...the Haitians.  I'm asking God to help me give and see grace in all of this.  I ask that you continue to pray for the Haitians with me and to give to solid and trustworthy organizations like the Red Cross and/or your local church.  These, our brothers and sisters, need our help.

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone as this was not my intent.  I just can't sit by and let more people, this time the 'right', get accused baselessly in a vast and sweeping generalization of being hateful people because of an unfounded theological (if you can call it that) statement by one person.

We are called to LOVE.  We are called to LOVE.  We are called to LOVE.

"Dining With Myself"

Photo by Baerbel Kavanaugh

I have a confession to make.  I LOVE Glee.  No, I really love Glee.  I've downloaded every song on iTunes and I stayed awake on the way to KC by blarring Glee tunes.  Note: dancing and rocking out to Proud Mary while driving seriously frightens other drivers.

This morning I woke up after sleeping "in" for like the first time in lawd knows how long and I was singing the tune "Dancing with Myself".  This is partly to blame on my recent obsession with Glee but on my other and long standing facination and love for all things 80s (rock on Billy Idol).  The other reason why I presume I woke up singing this diddy is two-fold: 1) I'm alone in KC this weekend (F/S/S) which mean no hubs, no Ham.  I've been brainstorming about what I'm going to do and I think I'm going to date myself this weekend.  You know, take it back new school and live on the edge a little - take myself to dinner, to a movie, a little bookshop extravaganza (I promise I will not buy any more books Hubs...fingers and toes crossed) and of course some coffee shop time at the Sbux.  2) The other reason why I'm "a dancin' with myself" this morning is because I watched my favorite HB Oh-no ladies last night on some TBS SATC re-runs.  Have I told you how much I love SATC?  Well...I do.  Anyway, my girls were going it single style last night and it inspired me.  The last clip of the show was Carrie taking herself out for lunch and embracing being alone...I mean not really alone, but embracing the silence, embracing the opportunity to date herself, embracing the empowerment to sit at a table with out her cell, a book, a compannion or any other 'alone at a table distractions'.  It was just Carrie at a table and she was loving it.

I believe I'm going to step out this weekend in Carrie style and not feel awkward for sitting at a table alone, rather I'm going to embrace this marvelous and rare opportunity to date myself.

What will you do for yourself this weekend?

PS...the V-Day giveaway is still on going.  Click here to enter before its too late.

Happy Friday!

Playing Catch Up

I took this photo at a stop on the road to KC.

So...I've been a little busy the last couple of days.  I've read literally thousands of pages of text for Jan. term classes and wrote two papers. Then I got all packed up for three weeks in Kansas City where I'll be taking these classes.  Hubs was amazing in helping me get ready for my trip.  Hmm...should I interpret that as being excited anxiety to get be out of the house for three weeks?  Nah!  After a very difficult session of my saying goodbye to my boys (Ham would not let go) I left and headed out for my five hour drive.

The roads on my drive couldn't have been nicer.  Traffic mild, snow only on the sides, no ice in sight and limited highway patrol (not that I speed, uh-hum, but I get palpitations when I see.)  I made it into KC last night and settled into my hotel.  I unpacked, relaxed and watched "HB-O you did not just show that on television."  Never saw Big Love before...interesting...kind of liked it.

This week I'm taking Topics in Women, Church and Society.  So far I LOVE it.  Classmates are great, professor fantastic.  What more could you ask for?  Oh, I know, a subject I love...wait, got that.  Starting next week I'll be taking Women in the New Testament.  Looking forward to that one too.  In fact, as I was preparing for my paper and the class, it got me thinking about all the women in the Bible we're unfamiliar with and how talking about it on my blog could be fun.  What do you think?  If I started dialogues about various women, would you take a look at them with me?