Thursday, September 18, 2008

Feeling Like a Failure or Failing As a Feeler?

Photo by: Madelyn Herring

So I have this small group that I'm apart of through my church. I love it. I enjoy the people in it greatly. I appreciate the fellowship. Lately me and Hubs have been going through a lot, mostly with his ailing health. This week has been exhausting, he's not getting home until late this evening and I have Hambone to take care of. Tonight also happens to be our small group meeting night which occurs once every other week. Most of the time I look forward to this evening, but today I simply couldn't get myself to go. I'm so overwhelmed and, well, pooped.

I know how important it is to make sure I stay in the circles, like this small group, which keep me accountable, faithful and supported. But you know, sometimes its just hard to be the person who keeps having to ask for prayer because instead of things getting better they keep getting worse. It's hard to show up with this 'I'm stronger than nails' facade and keep up a smile that only wants to melt into tears every time someone asks how your doing. What's even harder is when people know your a leader in faith; your expected to be a survivor and to be strong and resilient.

My small group is wonderful and they have been nothing short of supportive. They have done nothing to make me feel the way I do, its my own insecurities with where I'm at in life. I'm confident that I'm right where God wants me to be as far as my ministry career and education. I know that I'm answering that call and following God's lead and that keeps me in His will and not mine and that is exactly where I want to be. But even still, I can't pretend that everything is okay all the time. I can't keep trying to talk myself out of the fact that major stuff is happening in my life and I need to deal with the emotions its pulling out of me.

Needless to say I didn't go tonight because I just felt like I couldn't smile today. I can, but I can't to the point where I can have a good time with others and I didn't want to be the 'Debbie Downer'. I know that's what a small group is for, the relationships and fellowship, but I really don't want to be the person that brings everyone down. I want to find God in things, to be optimistic as my Godmother taught me to be, to find the sun even when its's not denial, it's just a choice in how I choose to live this life. But every once in a while, I need to just be the emotion I'm feeling and's overwhelmed.

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